Chester FAQ

Chester FAQ

1. Who is Chester?

That's a dumb question. (Have you ever noticed that FAQs always pretend that the person writing it doesn't think any question is stupid? When, in fact, you know that the person really wants to answer, "If that seems like a reasonable question, you just do us all a favor and finish the lobotomy that nature started.")

2. What kind of dog is he?

Mostly Great Dane. We lived near some hippies in North Carolina who, apparently, didn't think it was natural to neuter or restrain their Great Dane. These people were living proof that smoking a lot of dope does cause brain damage. Needless to say, there were a lot of mixed breed Danes around that area. My guess is that Chester is more than half Dane, but I'm not clear what the other part is. Probably yellow lab, German Shepherd, or rock.

3. Why rock?

That's what he got his brains from.

4. Is he really dumb?

Yes.

5. Wait a second. You think a dog who sleeps on the bed, spends his days in an easy chair, eats expensive dog food, and gets constant attention is dumb? If he's so stupid, how come he has *you* so well-trained?

Because I'm even dumber.

6. How many commands does he know?

About twenty. Sit. Stay. Place. Down. Do you want to go on a walk? Do you want to go for a ride? Find it. Come on back. Where's chew-man? Upstairs. Downstairs. Shake. Snuggle. Do you want to dance? No snarfing. Cat fight! Go 'round back. Off the bed. Okay, eat it. Let's turn around. And, of course, SQUIRREL!

7. How many do you know? How many commands does he give that you obey?

Nine. Let me in (short bark at door). Let me out (long stare at door). Feed me (long stare at empty bowl). Get the cat off my bed (loud stare while I sleep). Put water in the bowl (long stare at empty water bowl). Let's play (drop chew-man at my feet). Let's snuggle (shove arm up with head). Tell me to chase the red ball (stare at window or, if no response, give multiple short barks). THERE IS A POSSUM IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW OHMYGOD THIS THING IS SO EVIL AND YOU MUST WAKE UP RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH IT IS THREE IN THE MORNING BECAUSE THERE IS A POSSUM SOMEWHERE NEAR A POSSUM OHMYGOD A POSSUM I CAN SMELL A POSSUM I'M NOT KIDDING SO COME HERE RIGHT NOW OR WE WILL ALL DIE! (Multiple barks loud enough to rattle windows in nearby counties).

8. What is his purpose in life?

Chester is one of a select number of dogs to understand the squirrel conspiracy in its full complexity. He has not explained it to me, so I have been left to infer it. Apparently, the squirrels desire to reach the red ball. I'm not sure what would happen should they ever do so, but it would be very bad. So, his job is two-part: first, keep squirrels out of the back yard; second, keep the red ball on the move.
The first part is the most complicated. It begins simply enough--he must chase any squirrels that get into the backyard. It becomes more complicated when they run up the sycamore trees, however. That's when Chester must fling himself against the trees as hard as he can, occasionally biting them. Needless to say, he has sustained many injuries in this activity, but, hey, a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.
The second part means pushing a hard plastic (so-called unbreakable) ball about the size of a bowling ball around the back yard, up the fence, into the mud (this is important), and onto the dog bed. When it's on the bed, it's possible to lick the ball. Every once in a while, he manages to pick up the ball in his mouth and carries it around the yard to show off.

9. Who watches Chester do this?

Me (I'd like to trade jobs with him, but he isn't very interested in the history and theory of rhetoric). Neighborhood kids. One of the cats.

10. Does Chester only get hurt while attacking trees?

No. They are probably going to name a new wing of the Vet School after him. Chester leads an exciting life. He split his leg open running up stairs (don't ask, I don't know), fell asleep on a fire ant's nest, lost an argument with a porcupine, got poison ivy, ate a six-month supply of heartworm medicine, got into the kitty appetite stimulant cat food and ate a bag of potatoes, a box of cereal, and a bag of walnuts, camped near prairie dogs with bubonic plague, got tangled up in an electric fence, ran straight into a barbed wire fence, got bitten by a puppy on the scrotum (thereby confirming his terror of small dogs), and became enmeshed with a large painting.

11. Why is he named Chester?

His full name is Chester Burnette. That's the real name of the blues singer known as "Howlin Wolf"--the singer of such songs as "Three Hundred Pounds of Comfort and Joy."

12. Is Chester three hundred pounds of comfort and joy?

No. Only 125.