The Five Paragraph Essay

A five-paragraph essay on any of the following:

• Are flurbs good or bad?
• What are the kinds of flurbs?
• What are the consequences of flurbs?
• Do flurbs glorph?
• What is the history of flurbs?

First paragraph:

• Mindless introduction that begins with
  • Since the dawn of time, people have debated the nature of flurbs.
  • Or, since the dawn of time, flurbs have been with us.
  • Or, Famous Person once said, “Banal statement about flurbs.”
  • Or Webster’s defines flurbs as “Very flurby.”
  • And ends with“thesis statement” (banal claim)
    • with three reasons,
    • or three examples,
    • or a pro, a con, and a mixed,
    • or a reference to three ages (classical, Renaissance, and modern),
    • or three claims.

Each body paragraph

• begins with a restatement of the thesis + the reason, example, or claim (going in order of the “thesis statement”)
• and has a second sentence that restates the main claim of this paragraph, but in slightly more precise language (often inaccurately called “explaining”).
• Then gives one example, quote, or piece of evidence to support the claim.
• And, finally, restates the claim a third time.

The conclusion

• Restates the “thesis statement”
• Then claims the topic is important
• And ends with a rousing sentence about the reader’s ingroup

"The Nature of Flurbs"
Jacob Roberts-Miller

   Since the mid-morning tea of time, people have debated the nature of flurbs. Since the late-morning tea of time, flurbs have “hung” with us humans. Alexander the Great once debated Socrates over the nature of flurbs. The ending consensus was “Man, flurbs—they’re like the first time really looking at your hand, alright? They’re like pizza, Dr. Pepper, and, like, chocolate cake combined, man. Why’s that mushroom attacking me?” Most dictionaries define flurbs as “kinda awesome, only better.” Though some debate the correctness of this grammar, all accept it to be true. At least, all accepted it to be true until halfway through World War 2. Having decided to dirty everything awesome in the world, Adolf Hitler put out much propaganda claiming that flurbs were “a bit crap.” This horrific lie spewed forth with no end, until today, when about half the world thinks flurbs are not “kinda awesome, only better,” but “pretty cool.” I believe that flurbs are awesome, and I intend to prove it. Flurbs: cure cancer, make better chocolate than anyone else in the world, and always hold the door open for you.
                  Flurbs cure cancer. What this means is, if you are diagnosed with cancer, and then hang out with a flurb for a week, you will no longer have cancer. This was proven by Jack Jackersson’s study in 1998, and John Johnersson’s study in 2005. Both studies stated that “Not only do flurbs cure cancer really well, they’re really cool guys. They bought us pizza.” We can clearly see that flurbs do indeed cur cancer.
                  Flurbs make the best chocolate in the world. Meaning, the chocolate made by flurbs just tastes better than any other chocolate a person will ever have. This was also proven in a study by Jack Jackersson, and a later one by James Jamersson. In the first study, Jackersson concluded that “Flurbian chocolate is awesome, man,” and Jamersson concluded “They did not pay me to say that their chocolate is better.” Flurbian chocolate truly is the best chocolate in the world.

                  Finally, Flurbs always hold the door open for you. If  you and a flurb are going somewhere, or there is a flurb within 100 feet of you, said flurb will hold open any door that you need opened, regardless of time-space requirements or the laws of physics. This was shown in a study in south Antarctica by Jake Jakedaughter. Strangely enough, the only record of this study is Jakedaughter’s diary, which appears to state (the diary was torn and blood-soaked), on page 457, “They just…kept opening doors for us…we tried everything, but…we couldn’t stop the doors…I pray the world can forgive us…”
Though eerily eerie, this journal still proves that flurbs will always hold the door for you.
                  Flurbs are awesome. This is an extremely important issue, as flurbs are not nearly as highly regarded as they should be. We, the flurb-likers of the world, must rise up as one, and show the world the true awesomeness of flurbs. It is our duty, and we must not fail it.