When you aren't sure you want to finish your Phd

[Someone else had posted a note about that long dark teatime of the soul that hits while writing a diss, especially when there are problems shaping the project, and I started trying to write back. It got too long, and I decided to post it. The fact is that I don't know, and I'm hoping that someone else has thought this through better than I.]

So, you've gotten to the point of ABD and then hit some kind of snag. A bad one.

I used to think that the metaphor of snag came from knitting or tatting or something along those lines, in which case it was a temporary setback that might, at worst, require that you undo a line or two and then do it right. But, I've come to realize it probably comes from steamboats. A snag was a dead tree that was in the water, and it could be really devastating--it could take down a boat, in which case, the goal was simply to get off the boat without drowning. This is all by way of saying that hitting a snag isn't a trivial thing.

When I was in grad school, and I and my friends would have moments of despair, people would say, "Oh you have to finish--you're so close." It made me want to kick someone in the shins. Writing a dissertation isn't some trivial task that one does at the end of coursework--it isn't like tying a bow on a present or something. Writing a dissertation is harder than all the coursework and exams put together.

And since some people seemed to hang on trying to write a dissertation they didn't want to write for reasons that weren't really very motivating and therefore just hovered and made themselves miserable, I came to think that people who didn't really want a Phd probably should go ahead and call it quits ABD. I didn't see any value in a Phd other than getting a job as a prof, so if you don't want a job as a prof, you should cut your losses.

When I nearly left academia, I was really surprised to find that my Phd was valued by people--all sorts of odd people in odd places. I was thinking about becoming a dog trainer, and the one I was working with loved the idea of having a Phd on his flyers. Someone I talked to about being a consultant also loved that idea (about having a Phd on his staff--not on the dog trainer's staff). If I had gone into law school, it would have helped that too. There are some fields where it's really an advantage to have a Phd--anything that involves consulting, for instance.

And then I started to notice that sometimes people seemed kind of wounded by having not finished. It was almost as though they never got over it, and were unable to see it as a decision they had made with their own agency. The decision to remain ABD was awful for them.

So then I started to think that maybe there were virtues in finishing a diss even if a person wasn't certain about wanting to become a prof.

What this means is that I have since then been not at all clear whether people who hit a snag should do everything they can to salvage the boat and get it going again, or should just swim to shore. I think it's really important that I give people good advice on that point, and I can't.

What's really hard for me about giving advice is that everyone loses heart--completely, totally, and down to the cellular level--at many moments in the process of writing a diss (and a book, for that matter). So, the fact that someone has moments of believing that scrubbing the men's room at a bus station would be preferable to writing a diss doesn't necessarily mean anything.

All I can think of is that so many people describe having a moment of complete and total horror at the idea of getting married--some of the people who've had those moments of horror get married and live happily ever after, and some of them get married and realize that moment had been a moment of truth. And I've never been able to figure out when it's just cold feet and when it's a glimpse of reality in regard to relationships or dissertations.

So, we're back at the beginning. You've hit a snag and don't know if you should push through. Should you? I don't know.

I have a sort of intuition about some of the things that seem to be good indicators. For instance, if you're a junkie for the teaching, then finish. If you love your project--if you find the question fascinating, or think it might be important--then finish. I couldn't stop thinking about something that John Muir wrote in his diary when he was trying to figure out how Yosemite Valley was formed--"In dreams I read sheets of glacial writing." If that is the case--if there is some question that has its hooks in you--but you don't want to be a prof, then write the diss you want to write. If your committee doesn't want you to write that diss, get a new committee.

If you don't particularly want the degree, and you don't care about the project, then cutting your losses might be wise. What if you have moments of wanting it? Moments of rage? Moments of interest and moments of boredom? Well, since that's how most people feel while finishing a Phd, I don't know.